This is something I wrote a long time ago, but I thought I'd share it with you all, if only so you can all enjoy a hearty chuckle at my amateurishness.
Many are familiar with Blink 182 and their wonderfully catchy brand of sing-along, humorous pop/punk/rock, also practised by bands like The Offspring and Green Day to varying degrees of success. A bit of harmless fun, you may think. WRONG. It’s killing rock music stone dead. Ten years ago all you could see on Keerang and MTV were track suited, dreadlocked buffoons rapping brainlessly about their parents being a minute late to their birthday party over noisy, atonal sludge. Now you can’t spend more than five minutes on any rock video or radio station without hearing the latest single from “I love my college girlfriend” or “My Glorious Coming Out Party”. It’s enough to make you want to prostrate yourself in front of what’s left of Limp Bizkit, begging them to release another album.
More harmless fun, you may think, but no, because every single song from these groups of overly chirpy oxygen thieves is a piece of pure evil, specially formulated to lodge itself in your brain so firmly the only way out is a war hammer to the cerebral cortex. It’s quite simple to make one yourself, so here’s a simple recipe:
1. Take either a Green Day or Blink 182 songbook, and change the order of the sections, just to avoid suspicion.
2. Make up some serviceable yet empty lyrics about being stuck in a rut, and then a catchy chorus imploring the listener to “show me what you really want” or “Come back to me”. Or quite simply repeat an interesting word like “swing” or “Socioeconomics”
3. Make a video of your band playing the song (taking note to hide the songbook you’re playing from) that features at least one member of Fall Out Boy or New Found Glory. Tadah! Enjoy your two albums of success!
Alternatively, you could take a Backstreet Boys song, and overdub some heavy guitars to fool your listeners into believing you can write your own songs. Must dash, I’ve got to go lock myself away with a Mudvayne album, which now sounds like mana from heaven.
Take what you will from that.
Thursday, 2 June 2011
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
Black Books and the joy of misanthropy
Dylan Moran is a wonderful man. He’s probably actually very nice in real life, but I’m more interested in his personas as Bernard Black in Black Books and his stand-up performances. In both he portrays a mildly alcoholic, bitter Irishman utterly unconcerned with other people’s issues and harbouring a deep hatred for nigh-on everything in the world. And sadly, I find myself drawn to this view of the world. Everybody has days when they want to take a potato peeler to the skin of all their enemies, friends and gardeners, simply because they NO LONGER CARE about everybody else’s issues. This seems great to me; I can listen to some people’s issues, but when people are complaining about ferrets invading their mind and turning it into a miniature replica of Midgar, that’s me done, I’m finished, the door is right there, stand there while I hit you with it.
However, this viewpoint also stretches to the way you feel about your personal possessions. A memorable scene in Black Books is the occasion when Bernard, who has spent every episode in the same black suit jacket, black shirt and black trousers, has his clothes washed by a well-meaning visitor. Coming into the room, looking slightly disgusted, these clothes are found to be a bright white. “Who shaved me? Who washed my clothes!?” Cries Moran, with the tone of somebody who had been recently violated, and left in a ditch. It’s not so much the fact that his filthy suit has been washed, it’s the fact that Somebody Else Has Touched His Things. I share this. They are my things; I don’t want you putting your filthy well-meaning balanced individual hands on my things. I don’t even want you inside my personal space, because IT’S MINE, and I’m the only person worth talking to in here.
Also, I like the idea of spending most of my life in a bookshop, drinking copious amounts, though I can skip the chain-smoking.
P.S: Like Dylan Moran, I’m not really like this in real life. I like to imagine I would be, but if that was so I’d have nobody to talk to, or indeed read this.
However, this viewpoint also stretches to the way you feel about your personal possessions. A memorable scene in Black Books is the occasion when Bernard, who has spent every episode in the same black suit jacket, black shirt and black trousers, has his clothes washed by a well-meaning visitor. Coming into the room, looking slightly disgusted, these clothes are found to be a bright white. “Who shaved me? Who washed my clothes!?” Cries Moran, with the tone of somebody who had been recently violated, and left in a ditch. It’s not so much the fact that his filthy suit has been washed, it’s the fact that Somebody Else Has Touched His Things. I share this. They are my things; I don’t want you putting your filthy well-meaning balanced individual hands on my things. I don’t even want you inside my personal space, because IT’S MINE, and I’m the only person worth talking to in here.
Also, I like the idea of spending most of my life in a bookshop, drinking copious amounts, though I can skip the chain-smoking.
P.S: Like Dylan Moran, I’m not really like this in real life. I like to imagine I would be, but if that was so I’d have nobody to talk to, or indeed read this.
Saturday, 7 May 2011
Horses.
Have you ever seen a horse? Big, stupid, annoying buggers they are. Stupid enough to let people ride them. They leave droppings the size of Angus Young on the ground and like kicking you.
But let's be honest, horses aren't the real problem here. It's the people who ride them. They pretend they love their horses, and call them Sparkles or names like that. they feed them apples and visit them every week to trot around a courtyard then go and live an actual life. Sometimes though, they go out onto the streets and onto public footpaths. Which makes them think they have a right to DIRECT THE BLOODY TRAFFIC. You are a twit on a horse. I am a person in a BIG METAL CAR THAT WOULD KILL YOU. GET OUT OF THE WAY. Maybe we used horses in the 19th century for work and transport, but we have better things now. Thanks awfully. And if you like horses that much, I've heard they're very tasty.
But let's be honest, horses aren't the real problem here. It's the people who ride them. They pretend they love their horses, and call them Sparkles or names like that. they feed them apples and visit them every week to trot around a courtyard then go and live an actual life. Sometimes though, they go out onto the streets and onto public footpaths. Which makes them think they have a right to DIRECT THE BLOODY TRAFFIC. You are a twit on a horse. I am a person in a BIG METAL CAR THAT WOULD KILL YOU. GET OUT OF THE WAY. Maybe we used horses in the 19th century for work and transport, but we have better things now. Thanks awfully. And if you like horses that much, I've heard they're very tasty.
Sunday, 1 May 2011
My Plan for the End of Doctor Who
Let's theory.
Seeing as the Doctor is allegedly the reincarnation of The Other, according to Lungbarrow, it is possible that the Morbius Doctors were another life led by The Other, before he was again reincarnated as the Doctor. In my idea for the end of Doctor Who, if it comes, the Doctor reaches his 13th regeneration, and is mortally wounded. Rather than die, he regenerates one final time into the form of The Other, and the final Morbius Doctor. He realises that he has again come full circle in this life, and realises what he must do. As The Other and the final Morbius Doctor did, the Doctor approaches a Gallifreyan genetic Loom, hidden away in a room of the TARDIS that he has hidden from all else. He prepares to throw himself upon it, to start a new life as another Time Lord, perhaps with the same memories, perhaps an entirely blank slate. Before he can do this alone, the way he did it before, (shown in flashbacks to the other two, played by the same actor, ending their existence on Gallifrey itself) he is met with the spirits of five previous companions as the Doctor. These are the genetic data of the companions, and they join the Doctor to be reborn as Time Lords, so he will not be alone as he was before. The series ends with the group approaching the large structure, as the cloister bell rings.
Seeing as the Doctor is allegedly the reincarnation of The Other, according to Lungbarrow, it is possible that the Morbius Doctors were another life led by The Other, before he was again reincarnated as the Doctor. In my idea for the end of Doctor Who, if it comes, the Doctor reaches his 13th regeneration, and is mortally wounded. Rather than die, he regenerates one final time into the form of The Other, and the final Morbius Doctor. He realises that he has again come full circle in this life, and realises what he must do. As The Other and the final Morbius Doctor did, the Doctor approaches a Gallifreyan genetic Loom, hidden away in a room of the TARDIS that he has hidden from all else. He prepares to throw himself upon it, to start a new life as another Time Lord, perhaps with the same memories, perhaps an entirely blank slate. Before he can do this alone, the way he did it before, (shown in flashbacks to the other two, played by the same actor, ending their existence on Gallifrey itself) he is met with the spirits of five previous companions as the Doctor. These are the genetic data of the companions, and they join the Doctor to be reborn as Time Lords, so he will not be alone as he was before. The series ends with the group approaching the large structure, as the cloister bell rings.
Friday, 29 April 2011
A Review
Another well known blogging site blocked me for this review, so let's see how it this goes.
The Feeling have released two albums at this point, and are working on a third, though this appears to be taking longer than The Cure for Insomnia (obscure experimental film reference there. Never mind). Regardless, I’ve felt an urge to review something professionally for a while now, and ignoring my late night blabbering about Angel previously, this is my first proper attempt, at least to the general public.
Before I start, I have a confession to make. On occasion, I have put this album on and imagined a teen movie style storyline based around lyrics in the various songs. This was a bizarre romantic thing that I still wonder about to this day. I will however, NOT be sharing these thoughts with the public, as they weren’t really allowed in my head in the first place. Anyway, professionalism.
Track by Track:
I Want You Now: This is a typical album opener; anthemic, uplifting and as with many of the Feeling’s songs, very catchy. It’s a fairly standard pop rock type arrangement, but the delivery of Dan Gillespie Sells takes what could be a far poorer song and takes it somewhere else. He takes a vague storyteller approach for the verses, describing a relationship stagnated by everyday life from the viewpoint of one of the desperate lovers, with the chorus an outpouring of frustrated longing.
Never be Lonely: A single, and rightly so. What starts as an interestingly rhythmic, gentle number segues into some very 80s sounding piano and staccato vocals, which highlights Sells’ ability to make a few notes memorable. The high point, however, is the wonderful end section. Starting from a quiet acapella and building to a glorious sweeping ending with multilayered vocals, it’s an early high point.
Fill My Little World: This seems to have been written for a summer movie. The feeling of summer is throughout this song, from the cheery electric piano led introduction, to the lyrics, describing desires to “get away” to Spain, and the impassioned plea to “fill my little world right up”. It all feels like a teenage boy entreating a girl to like him, again not unlike a teen summer movie.
Kettle’s On: The first “downbeat” song on the album, “Kettle’s On” Is the first to make the most of the piano to provide a mournful tone, which suits the lyrics just fine. Sells appears to be opening himself up to someone, saying how “pouring out my heart isn’t usually my style”, but still speaking of how he is nothing without the person he is speaking to. Some of the piano work is chill-inducing, especially the fills in between verses, before the song becomes louder towards the end, to allow another glorious chorus room to shine.
Sewn: In this reviewers opinion, the finest song on the album. The acoustic guitar introduction builds into another soaring number, with some quality “Na na na”s from Sells and the band. Every part of this song is touching, but in an innocent way, simply stating the faults and qualities of the singer and the subject. While it is true that the lyrics mainly focus on love, and lost love, they are always perfectly suited to the music. There are more multilayered vocals at the end of this track, but they simply fade out to nothing in a beautiful and memorable way.
Could Have Been Anyone: Sadly, a rather bland track follows Sewn. A straight ahead pop rocker, with little to distinguish itself, save for some more original delivery from Sells.
Strange: This is certainly an underrated track. While the lyrics aren’t particularly meaningful, the quality of the vocals and instrumentation takes the song to a higher level, with the harmony vocals being at a particular high.
I Love it When You Call: The lead single, and indebted to late 70s/80s glam rock, from its electronic intro, to its opening guitar riff. The vocals again tell of a relationship ruined by everyday life, but in the sense of two friends too busy to see each other, rather than lovers. The guitar work on this track is excellent, with the retro twin harmony solo reminiscent of some Def Leppard tracks, or a poppier Bon Jovi.
Rose: Another more sombre track, driven by a lovely piano hook, and boosted by light guitars, though the piano is pushed more into the background as the song progresses. Unusually, this song is an ode to the wine of the songs name, explaining how it is a perfect blend of “the white to your left, and the red to your right”, which is incidentally one of the finest couplets on the album. Sadly, this song has now become a staple of god-awful shop radio covers, and one to be howled out by drunken vagabonds at open mike nights. Which is sad, because it’s a lovely song.
Same Old Stuff: Another forgettable (and overlong, coming in at almost 7 minutes) track, with a nice chorus, and some more fadeout harmonies, this time a gentle repeat of “sixty percent water”, which while incorrect, suits the theme of the song, that regardless of human differences, we are still ultimately “made of the same old stuff”.
Helicopter: While “Sewn” was the best song musically, “Helicopter” is the most fun. Starting out as a jaunty number, with whimsical lyrics similar in a way to Pink Floyds “Bike”, around the two minute mark, the song suddenly introduces massive hard-rocking guitars into the mix, and provides the kind of head banging action that would normally be sought from the likes of Queens of the Stone Age or any 90s hard rock band.
Blue Piccadilly: The closer and the source of the album’s title lyric. Another more mournful number, telling of how an acquaintance or previous lover of the singer gave up much of what she was in order to live a happier, more comfortable life. The singer is annoyed by this, but realises she is happy, and wishes her the best, before leaving her life. This is a truly epic song, with a pub-like sing-along towards the end and some excellent guitar and piano work. If you listen past the crowd noise at the end of the song, you can hear the hidden track “Miss You”, which is a wonderful little song, consisting only of piano and some more uplifting harmony vocals; and a perfect end to the album.
Well there you go, a “Serious” album review. Whatever you thought of it, I hope you at least found it useful for your album purchasing future. Thanks!
The Feeling have released two albums at this point, and are working on a third, though this appears to be taking longer than The Cure for Insomnia (obscure experimental film reference there. Never mind). Regardless, I’ve felt an urge to review something professionally for a while now, and ignoring my late night blabbering about Angel previously, this is my first proper attempt, at least to the general public.
Before I start, I have a confession to make. On occasion, I have put this album on and imagined a teen movie style storyline based around lyrics in the various songs. This was a bizarre romantic thing that I still wonder about to this day. I will however, NOT be sharing these thoughts with the public, as they weren’t really allowed in my head in the first place. Anyway, professionalism.
Track by Track:
I Want You Now: This is a typical album opener; anthemic, uplifting and as with many of the Feeling’s songs, very catchy. It’s a fairly standard pop rock type arrangement, but the delivery of Dan Gillespie Sells takes what could be a far poorer song and takes it somewhere else. He takes a vague storyteller approach for the verses, describing a relationship stagnated by everyday life from the viewpoint of one of the desperate lovers, with the chorus an outpouring of frustrated longing.
Never be Lonely: A single, and rightly so. What starts as an interestingly rhythmic, gentle number segues into some very 80s sounding piano and staccato vocals, which highlights Sells’ ability to make a few notes memorable. The high point, however, is the wonderful end section. Starting from a quiet acapella and building to a glorious sweeping ending with multilayered vocals, it’s an early high point.
Fill My Little World: This seems to have been written for a summer movie. The feeling of summer is throughout this song, from the cheery electric piano led introduction, to the lyrics, describing desires to “get away” to Spain, and the impassioned plea to “fill my little world right up”. It all feels like a teenage boy entreating a girl to like him, again not unlike a teen summer movie.
Kettle’s On: The first “downbeat” song on the album, “Kettle’s On” Is the first to make the most of the piano to provide a mournful tone, which suits the lyrics just fine. Sells appears to be opening himself up to someone, saying how “pouring out my heart isn’t usually my style”, but still speaking of how he is nothing without the person he is speaking to. Some of the piano work is chill-inducing, especially the fills in between verses, before the song becomes louder towards the end, to allow another glorious chorus room to shine.
Sewn: In this reviewers opinion, the finest song on the album. The acoustic guitar introduction builds into another soaring number, with some quality “Na na na”s from Sells and the band. Every part of this song is touching, but in an innocent way, simply stating the faults and qualities of the singer and the subject. While it is true that the lyrics mainly focus on love, and lost love, they are always perfectly suited to the music. There are more multilayered vocals at the end of this track, but they simply fade out to nothing in a beautiful and memorable way.
Could Have Been Anyone: Sadly, a rather bland track follows Sewn. A straight ahead pop rocker, with little to distinguish itself, save for some more original delivery from Sells.
Strange: This is certainly an underrated track. While the lyrics aren’t particularly meaningful, the quality of the vocals and instrumentation takes the song to a higher level, with the harmony vocals being at a particular high.
I Love it When You Call: The lead single, and indebted to late 70s/80s glam rock, from its electronic intro, to its opening guitar riff. The vocals again tell of a relationship ruined by everyday life, but in the sense of two friends too busy to see each other, rather than lovers. The guitar work on this track is excellent, with the retro twin harmony solo reminiscent of some Def Leppard tracks, or a poppier Bon Jovi.
Rose: Another more sombre track, driven by a lovely piano hook, and boosted by light guitars, though the piano is pushed more into the background as the song progresses. Unusually, this song is an ode to the wine of the songs name, explaining how it is a perfect blend of “the white to your left, and the red to your right”, which is incidentally one of the finest couplets on the album. Sadly, this song has now become a staple of god-awful shop radio covers, and one to be howled out by drunken vagabonds at open mike nights. Which is sad, because it’s a lovely song.
Same Old Stuff: Another forgettable (and overlong, coming in at almost 7 minutes) track, with a nice chorus, and some more fadeout harmonies, this time a gentle repeat of “sixty percent water”, which while incorrect, suits the theme of the song, that regardless of human differences, we are still ultimately “made of the same old stuff”.
Helicopter: While “Sewn” was the best song musically, “Helicopter” is the most fun. Starting out as a jaunty number, with whimsical lyrics similar in a way to Pink Floyds “Bike”, around the two minute mark, the song suddenly introduces massive hard-rocking guitars into the mix, and provides the kind of head banging action that would normally be sought from the likes of Queens of the Stone Age or any 90s hard rock band.
Blue Piccadilly: The closer and the source of the album’s title lyric. Another more mournful number, telling of how an acquaintance or previous lover of the singer gave up much of what she was in order to live a happier, more comfortable life. The singer is annoyed by this, but realises she is happy, and wishes her the best, before leaving her life. This is a truly epic song, with a pub-like sing-along towards the end and some excellent guitar and piano work. If you listen past the crowd noise at the end of the song, you can hear the hidden track “Miss You”, which is a wonderful little song, consisting only of piano and some more uplifting harmony vocals; and a perfect end to the album.
Well there you go, a “Serious” album review. Whatever you thought of it, I hope you at least found it useful for your album purchasing future. Thanks!
Monday, 25 April 2011
Life is better now.
My life has become much better as of today. I've had something on my mind for a while, and it's been slowly eating away until it was all I could think about. But I spoke to somebody who could help me, and now the problem has gone away. In some ways, perhaps the issue could have been resolved differently, and better for some parties, but this is absolutely fine and great and everything else that's good. Suddenly realising that a large part of my free time and social life has been opened up is one of the finest sensations I've felt in my short life.
Saturday, 23 April 2011
Angel.
Thanks to the incredibly vague title offered, you may be confused as to what the contents of this post are. I'll save you the bother: It's the Buffy spin off Angel, in which the titular vampire "goes to L.A" in typical spin off style, though in this case it's not to take large amounts of cocaine and wake up every night with a different blonde girl next to him, stare at the camera, and kookily say "uh oh!" No, he's taking his tight fitting black tops and finely chiselled cheekbones to brood elsewhere. He also takes Cordelia from Buffy along for the ride, which allows her (whisper it) Proper Character Development. The first 9 episodes also feature Doyle, an Irish half-demon played by the excellent Glenn Quinn. But sadly, due to drug related problems, he's written about, only to be replaced by Wesley, another Buffy castoff, who again takes advantage of the new format to become a real person, not a shallow cliche. As for the actual format, Angel and pals now run "Angel Investigations", a supernatural detective agency, and solve all manner of ghostly mysteries and cooky adventures (Yes, that second one was a lie). The interesting thing about Angel is that it feels like a show in it's fifth season in the second episode, due to the fact that most of the characters come from another show. But this is why it's better than Buffy. Buffy had to put up with clunky early plotlines and some truly dreadful writing early on. Angel comes straight out of the box as a Proper Show, and barely lets up from there. Despite suffering from Joss Whedon's patented badpenultimateseasonitis, thanks to Connor, who is somehow more annoying that Dawn from Buffy, it's still an excellent show. I'm aware this meant very little, but I'm tired, and what do you expect from me, genuine effort? Professional Writing? This is the best you're getting, sunshine. And Moonshine, but that's another story.
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